Two Roads Diverged

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood” begins the famous poem by Frost.  I know Frost was speaking of choosing a road “less traveled” and what difference that had made in his life, but I cannot help but be drawn into the application within the image of the poem.  Frost pondered two roads, but from his perspective, they were not equal.  It was clear that one was less often chosen than the other and on that one he set his foot.  My roads today are not so clear.

I imagine it is easy to choose between two roads when one is plastered with “Hazard” signs or with “Detour” markers.  When one choice is clearly labeled as trouble, it is simplicity itself to choose the other.  Or even, as I suspect the case with Frost, one road promises a better vantage or a clearer view, that choice too is, perhaps not easy, but somewhat obvious.  Surely the road with the better view is steeper and harder to travel, but the ultimate advantages far outweigh the initial difficulties.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…” I stood glaring in frustration because neither promised benefits nor warned of danger.  Clearly, from this vantage point they are not equal, but neither are their final destinations.  “I must’ve taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque,” said Bugs Bunny.  I don’t want this to be my Albuquerque, and yet, I have no map to define the “right” turn.  Oh for an hour alone with the Urim and Thummim of the Old Testament.  Which fork in this road is correct?

These are the occasions when my faith is tested the greatest.  These are the times when I feel most like a deist, or agnostic, or even atheist*.  I have a distinct and strong feeling that the outcome of this choice is important. The screaming voices of my past and present conflict within my skull making the choice difficult and existence miserable until I know the outcome.  They war with each other pointing to the good and bad of each path.

“You are a rebel, always have been.  You have such a hard time following authority it is no wonder you want to choose that path.  That is what you do when confronted with authority, you rebel.  Even when obeying is the best course for everyone involved, you stiffen up and bristle against the legitimate leading of God through the normal authority.  And you make everything worse for everyone in the end.”  (Says one voice)

“True, but in this case it is out of a desire for protection and security for your loved ones.  You want what is best and you want to prevent further harm.  The authority is wrong because of their inflexibility.  They don’t really know and they don’t really care.  They are simply operating out of a strict adherence to the rules.  Your desire is for protecting and nurturing.”  (Says the other voice)

“Of course, but that’s just it, the decision of the authority is exactly what is needed in this case.  Surely it doesn’t fit the strict aspect of the rules, but the results will be exactly what is needed and what is necessary.  It will be difficult, but that is what is needed.  The best way to protect and nurture is to prepare.  And doing what the authority says is a great chance to eliminate bad attitudes, bad characteristics, and prepare for life.  Maybe the authority doesn’t care, but God can still use them and work His plan.”  (The first replies)

“Really the key here is that the authority is usurping your authority.  You granted the authority the right to make decisions, but this one is stupid and it doesn’t and shouldn’t be so inflexible.  The solution is not as severe as the authority is demanding.  God can work everything out without this severity and there isn’t a need for anyone to suffer anything.” (The second responds)

Now, which of these voices is the proverbial light angel and which is the dark angel?  And therein lies the conundrum.  And the answer is not forthcoming.  “Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?  Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” (Psalm 10:1).  So how to make a decision that seems to have a weightiness to its impact and yet is not a clear choice between right and wrong.

“Two roads diverged in a wood….”  How far down the road must we travel before we know if it is the wrong road and is that too far to turn back?  And this, perhaps is crux of the decision.  One choice cannot be revoked.  To take that step is to seal the decision.  Once that road is chosen, it cannot be undone.  So, therefore, we choose the other.  And hope for the best.  And rely on the ability to change our choice should we need to.  Hopefully we will know if it is right or if we should change before it is too late.

~CC

*- For what it is worth, I could never become an atheist.  At least not until I learn to spell it correctly and not athiest.  Thankfully, spell check exists and corrects me every time.  Equally thankfully, God is easier to spell.

Reflections of a New Runner

So, I’m a runner now.  After six months of running (with some walking thrown in), I think I classify as a runner.

For those new to my life, this is part of a weight loss/fitness “bug” that I caught in the summer of 2010 (at almost 40).  I spent most of the first year just walking and not running, but I decided to try the Couch To 5K plan in January and I haven’t looked back.  I love running.  I’ll post again about my weight loss/fitness when I reach my next goal.  (That will be the 100 pounds lost mark.)

After six months I have quite a few observations, but here are the top three thoughts that I think anyone who runs will be able to appreciate:

1. Every wind is a headwind.  I’m not sure why this is, but it seems whenever the wind is blowing, it is in my face.  This isn’t nearly as big a deal now as it was when I first started running outside.  (OK, it is a good thing now that summer temperatures are here.)  When I first moved from inside to outside for running, it seemed like every wind was headwind at gale force.
2. Every bark is an imminent attack.  I’ve really only had one encounter with a dog, and that was just an ankle-biter upset because I was on his property.  (He chased me to the property line and promptly stopped to simply bark his annoyance.)  But I have to say, while I enjoy running to music, I have to keep it low enough to hear the occasional barks sounding around me.  Every time I plan my defense against the pending attacks (that, thankfully, never come).
3. Every hill sucks.  Yeah, this one is still a major annoyance.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I don’t avoid the hills, but they do suck.  Quite literally, they suck the energy, speed, and progress right out of you.  On one of my normal “long” routes, there is a particular hill that kills me every time.  It isn’t particularly steep, but it seems to go on forever.  And it is followed by only a short downhill with more hills beyond.  I could run the other direction to escape this hill, but where’s the fun in that.

I’ve signed up for the St. Jude’s Half-Marathon this year.  December will see me trotting through the streets of Memphis for a great cause.  I’m really hoping to raise $1000 for this wonderful organization.  Here’s my page if you are able to help out.  Every little bit helps and it really is for a great cause, so please consider donating if you can.

If you have any questions about running or about St. Jude’s, please feel free to ask me.  Most everyone that will read this knows how to get in touch with me, and if not, just leave a comment and I’ll answer what I can.

So, I’m a runner now.  Or is the correct term jogger?  I saw this last night and I loved it.  I think that’s what I look like. 

The Way Of Things

So, yesterday my eldest child, my 18-year old daughter, left the nest.  She returned to South Carolina to begin getting her life established and prepare for her October wedding.  So many thoughts and ideas in my head, I don’t know how long it will take for everything to sort out, but writing helps.  Maybe.

Yesterday evening was numb.  That’s the only word I can think to use because I know I felt, I know I ached, I know I gushed, but I don’t know how much of it really sunk in.  The world was passing by.  My daughter’s bags and boxes were being loaded by her fiancé and brother.  She was gathering last minute stuff.  My wife was crying.  My youngest and her friends were crying.  My younger son was being silly and tossing out smart remarks (at 14, that is how he deals with things).  My older son was being tough and strong (until his sister hugged him goodbye).  It was there, it was real, but it was surreal, too.  I was there, but the numbness took me away from there.  I did almost cry.  I thought I would, but then my wife began crying and I “had to be strong”.  Yeah, guy-macho-stuff, whatever, but that’s what happened.

I, of course, don’t mean to detract from my daughter.  She is beautiful and she is ready for this.  Or, well, she isn’t any more ready than any of us were.  She’s young and, in many ways, naïve.  But she is ready to go.  I’m sure she will do fine.  She has much to learn, but so did we all.  She has a good foundation and a great fiancé.  We don’t always agree, but we don’t have to.  She will be fine, and if not, she is strong and we are still here for her.  I don’t mean to impress that our tears and concerns are because of her bolting away in anger and frustration.  Not at all.  She wants to spread her wings and we want her to be our baby girl.  That is the way of things.  We reluctantly let go of the child we knew and she spreads her wings and learns that flying is great, but much more work than she knew.   That is the way of things.

Today, though, somewhere between the alarm and work, the numbness wore off and has given way to raw.  Again, the only way I can describe it.  I am trying to avoid people and be overly gracious when I can’t.  If for no other reason, for the simple fact that the people I deal with don’t deserve to be handed their heads when I rip them off.  And the rawness is like the exposed nerves of an open wound, laying there, ready to lash out at the slightest provocation.  So, I hold myself in check.  It isn’t anyone’s fault, and no one deserves the overreaction that is hiding under the surface.  So I bite my tongue and hold my breath.  Better this way for everyone.

As I think on it, maybe the switch from numbness to raw was when I listened to “our song” this morning.  Since she was little, Lydia’s “song” has been Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle.  I listened to that this morning, among others, and I cried.  Finally, at work, among cubicles filled with co-workers, I had “my private” time and cried.  Went through four or five tissues before the song finished, and my nose is still runny.  Fortunately, it is allergy season.  But I think I can trace the raw back to then.  Funny how that works.  I think I can “analyze” it too.  I’ve been told I’m better than average at analyzing things, but I rarely turn that back towards me.  I don’t like the results, normally, but this time seems decent enough.

I think at its core, I don’t want my baby to grow up.  I mean, I definitely want her to grow up and lead her own life, but part of me wants to still be daddy that can do everything.  Part of me wants the toddling diapered waddle coming around the corner when I get home.  Part of me still wants that tiny hand reaching out to grab mine.  Part of me wants the pigtails and glittering eyes telling of the softball game.  Part of me wants the spunky pre-teen professing that she should be allowed to play baseball, “because she can do it better than most of the boys”.  Part of me wants to still be daddy.

But…  but part of me wants to watch her make her own way.  Part of me wants to walk her, in her radiant beauty, down the aisle.  Part of me wants to visit her new home and see how she decorates it to her own tastes.  Part of me wants to wait with anticipation for the first news of her own kids.  Part of me wants to hold a crying new grandchild.  Part of me wants to grow old and watch the cycle continue for another generation.  Part of me wants to move on and be dad/grandpa.

“Time heals all wounds,” they say.  I don’t know if that is really true, but I know that with time this one will diminish and life will go on.  Our family will adjust to the changes, and eventually we will do this again (and again, and again).  This, of course, is the way of things.

~CC

Why Would You Do That?

With the issues being raised about Christopher Peterman being expelled from Bob Jones University, I’ve heard a question asked that needs to be addressed.  I’ve heard this question and been annoyed, frustrated and/or angry.  If you are looking for more information about the situation with Christopher, his statement (in video format) is below, and another excellent blog post can fill in the information.  (I have strong thoughts on this, but I feel it is important to answer this question.)  So, what is the important question?

If you know what BJU is like and disagree with BJU, why would you go there for college?

This question is being asked from two different sources, and that’s why my reaction is different.

First, there are folks from the outside of BJU Christian fundamentalism that are asking this.  After all, reviewing the background and story of Christopher, he seems to be a normal, reasonable, intelligent young man.  He has an obvious desire to see the right thing done.  Why would someone that seems so reasonable even think about attending somewhere like BJU?  The question is sincere and comes about because the person asking is genuinely confused.  I respect this, but the constant repetition of the question is frustrating.  That is the reason for this blog post, and it is you to whom I speak.

Second, there are BJU apologists (or quasi-apologists) who are asking why someone would go to BJU if they don’t agree.  This blog post is not for you.  Let’s face it, you probably wrote me off when I confessed anger up above.  Besides, until you come to the realization that someone can be perfectly OK before God and still disagree with you, there isn’t much else to talk about.

So, why would someone like Christopher (and me) go to someplace like BJU?  Well, there are a handful of reasons for going and returning, but essentially, they boil down to two simply concepts that drive people into bad decisions all the time.  Money and deceit.

Money

Quite frankly, as unfortunate as it is, education is expensive.  College costs and, for most people, our parents are a large part of our college support.  Whether that support comes in actual tuition or just in providing a place to live and eat while going to school, the financial support of parents plays a large part in our ability to go to school.

So, when a parent demands that their child attend Bob Jones University, there isn’t much of a choice involved.  Either the student has to figure out how to “go it their own” or they duck their head and go to Bob Jones University.  Depending on the student this may last and it may not.  I had friends expelled and voluntarily leave during the year and I know of many who never attended after their first semester or year.  Finances are a huge factor in the decision making process, but when combined with the deceit involved, it is doubly effective.

Deceit

Deceit is the key issue that drives most students to Bob Jones University.  I’m not talking about deceit of the university.  Although the deceptions over accreditation has worked to retain students, I don’t believe that is a primary issue for getting students.  No, I’m talking about the subtle deception of a world view.  The deception of the system created by Bob Jones University’s brand of Christian fundamentalism.

As a high school student I went to a church and attended camps and youth rallies that promoted this mindset.  Here are a few “truths” that I “learned” about college and how to make the choice of where to go.  (For what it is worth, I attended college over 20 years ago and this story hasn’t really changed.)

At a secular college:

• Professors and administrators will actively work to destroy your Christian faith.
• Professors have little to no concern over whether you actually learn anything or not.
• No one studies or cares about their grades.
• You will be exposed to all sorts of evil like beach parties and drugs.
• You will be forced to participate in drunken orgies every weekend.
• You will likely have to step over kids (multiple couples) having sex in the hallway just to get from your room to class.  Every time.
• You will probably lose your religion and become an alcoholic.

Other Christian colleges:

• Liberty University (yes, Jerry Falwell) was a bastion of liberalism that was no different than secular schools.
• The only reason someone would attend Pensacola Christian College is because they wanted to weekend at the beach.  (Evil sinners!!)
• There were no other Christian universities, they were just Christian in name.
• Tennessee Temple University had gone “the way of the world”.

This was the mindset and fodder that is fed to high school students and their parents by respected leaders in the churches and Christian schools.  We all know it is easier to accept and believe what you are told than to actually do research on your own, so this mindset finds root and becomes truth regardless of what life is really like.  As a “good Christian” kid, you really don’t want any of the above, or, at least, you don’t want anyone to know that you want it.  The only “good, Christian” thing to do is to go to Bob Jones University.

Now, I won’t say that some of the above might be true in some cases, it is hardly the norm for either category.  Some of the things were just untrue, others were just enough deception mixed into the truth to be enticing.  And, honestly, I don’t really fault the preachers, teen evangelists, and youth ministers who told us these things.  Sure, some of them may have known better and used these lies to control people, but for the most part I give them the benefit of the doubt and suggest that they were just as deceived as we were.

It is difficult to make an intelligent, appropriate decision when everything you have ever been told is lies about reality.  One of the foundational principles of Bob Jones University’s brand of Christian fundamentalism is a very strict us-verses-them mentality.  The “us” is very tightly limited, and even many who think they are part of “us” are kept at arms length.  And the “them” is not only “verses”, but is actively out to “get” the us.  Honestly it is almost clinical paranoia.  From that framework and world view, a high school student choosing a college has very little in the way of real options.  And making the wrong choice can result in being pushed further than that “arm’s length” away or even in being fully ostracized as an outsider.

Overall, there is way too much baggage and social drama within the “group” to allow a student to make a reasonable choice to attend somewhere other than BJU.  The more a student has invested money and time at BJU, the harder (and more costly) it is to pull away before they are done.  BJU is not SACS accredited and not only do credits not easily transfer, but they are worth much less than the unaccredited degree the student would earn.  (Accreditation is an entirely other issue covered by other skilled bloggers.)

Yes, it is sad and confusing that someone would choose to go to Bob Jones University.  Hopefully, this will help you understand why a student might go there and why that student might stay and try to finish.

~CC

PS – Here’s Christopher’s story about what really happened.

Theology Thursday: The Prodigal

So I have been struggling with what and how to post on Thursdays.  I don’t really want to change my writing style, but sometimes writing about theology or doctrine stuff can be a bit different.  (That is why today is late.)  Rather than go through a systematic theology discussion I’m just going to write what God is teaching me.  Hopefully it will be a blessing.

A few days ago a friend hinted at needing to be a part of “Legalists Anonymous” because of falling into that Pharisee trap.  I agreed and it got me thinking about a book I read recently, Prodigal God by Tim Keller.

The book looks at the story of the Prodigal son from a somewhat different perspective.  As Christ tells the story, we all agree and can empathize with the younger son because we can relate to being lost in our sin and needing rescue.  We can relate to the wonder and glory of the mercy and grace of the father because we have experienced the same from our Heavenly Father.

We see the reaction of the elder son, though, and we get upset, frustrated, and even angry.  How can he be so unforgiving?  How can he be so ungracious?  We don’t like the elder brother and are very offended by his reaction.  Boom!  That’s when it should hit us, we are the elder brother.  We started the story as the younger brother, and now as the focus shifts to the elder brother, so do we.  We are unforgiving of his attitude, we are ungracious with him, and we react poorly to him.  Generally, we are too caught up in our offense toward the elder brother to notice that we have shifted from being the younger son to being the elder son.

Then, boom again!  Christ turns the table and the mercy and grace that were given to the younger son are now granted by the father to the elder son.  That’s when we get to the real point of the story.  The grace and mercy of the father is abundant towards both of his sons.  He forgives their faults and failures and he graciously offers them entrance to the feast.

The Gospel is exactly the same.  God offers grace and mercy to us all, licentious and legalist alike.  He mercifully forgives our rotten attitudes and our disrespect of Him.  He graciously offers us a place at the feast He is preparing, a feast we have no right or reason to expect to attend.  But because of the “real” elder brother, Christ, and His work on the cross, we are granted the right and ability to attend.  Because of Christ, we belong at the feast.  Praise God for the glorious message of the Gospel.

~cc

Political Tuesday: Demons Among Us

Wow, so I can’t believe I’m really writing about politics.  I hate politics, but it is an almost unavoidable topic in our world.  As much as I hate politics, the decisions aren’t as cut and dried as they used to be for me.  So, with that in mind, I figured I needed to work through some thought processes and figure out what I need to know.

I figured I would start with one of my biggest concerns in politics.  No matter where you go, no matter who you listen to, and no matter what you read, when it comes to politics, you are going to find many who are demonizing their opponents.  From the presidential race to the local city council race everyone seems to think the best way to get elected is to make their opponent look like a baby-eating, grandma-beating, evil-loving villain who is bent on not only ruling your way of life, but also on corrupting your children beyond what is repairable.  Yes, this method works, as evidenced by a number of outcomes from our past election cycle, but how did we devolve to the point where this method is the most effective?

I think that, for the most part, we as a voting public are to blame.  I honestly believe that most of us begin with a pre-set idea about what side of an issue we “should” be on and we go from there.  Rare is the person who has grown up and come to voting age without those preconceived notions and many of us don’t dare shake those foundations.  But that is what puts us exactly in the position of being a target of those demonizing political candidates.  Because we don’t dare ask serious questions about why we are on a certain “side” of an issue, we don’t really want to hear from anyone who does question our position.  In part, I think we are afraid that someone may have an argument that we can’t answer.  But mostly, we have become too lazy to really want to learn about the other side of the issue and are comfortable with what we have always believed.

Add to the fear and laziness our lack of attention span and the candidate who tries to really focus on the issues is lost in a sea of yawning voters.  Throw in the cacophony of voices shouting about how their opponent wants to steal America from you or wants to enslave you in their rigid way of doing things and the issue-focused candidate is really never heard and never remembered.  It is much easier to demonize the opponent and stir up those in your own party or those with an ingrained opposing stand on the issues.  Why waste time trying to educate voters who really don’t want to be educated in the first place?  If you try, you will be forgotten by your supporters and remembered (complete with horns and pitchfork) by the supporters of your opponent.

I’ve personally made a commitment to never support a candidate who runs (or supports) an attack ad on their opponent.  Challenge your opponent’s stated stance on the issues all you want, but you will not get my vote by demonizing your opponent.  I am very thankful for the requirement that a candidate must add the “I approve” voice over to the ads run on their behalf.  Makes it much easier to see who is playing fair.  Also, I’ve made it a point to get informed about the issues that are important to me.  I’m still working out what issues those are, and I know that sounds strange, but that is where I am.  I’m going to examine my priorities as a Christian, a husband, a father, and a provider and decide what is really most important.  Then I’ll review both the candidate’s record and stand on these important issues.  So, I challenge you to do the same in these two areas. 

~CC

Sunday Praise: Psalm 61

Psalm 61

1 Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer;

2 from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I,

3 for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.

4 Let me dwell in your tent forever!  Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!  Selah

5 For you, O God, have heard my vows; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.

6 Prolong the life of the king; may his years endure to all generations!

7 May he be enthroned forever before God; appoint steadfast love and faithfulness to watch over him!

8 So will I ever sing praises to your name, as I perform my vows day after day.

~~~~~~~~~~

I love and have loved for a long time the idea of God as our strong tower, our refuge.  Let’s face it, the world is a crazy and dangerous place.  We risk physical and emotional injury every time we wake up and all throughout the day.  It is such a blessing to be able to run back to our God, our Abba Father (Daddy, Daddy) and be sheltered and comforted from the dangers.  Praise God that He is our protection from the dangers of life.

~CC